Cleansiness*

Preface to my post:

I have to admit, I've been taken aback by how many people have been asking me why I haven't been updating my blog. Thanks, dudes! I didn't know that many people read it (I don't usually get much feedback in the way of comments...clearly my old LiveJournal spoiled me). I mostly wasn't updating out of sheer laziness, & to a lesser extent everything I felt compelled to write about was far too personal. I know! I used to write about whatever I was peeving or exciting me at that moment (again, LJ), but when you're married, you have to be a little more discreet. (Now, I just relegate those topics to conversation with a handful of like-minded friends.) Apparently, in my head, UTIs are fair game. But that's as far as I'll go! Though I'm about to mine some other somewhat personal territory. My treat to you!

A few weeks ago, a trusted adviser recommended that I do a Candida cleanse. (If you don't know what Candida is, I hope you're a gay male.) I took her suggestion seriously, despite the fact she decorates her office with crushed velvet (OK, I sort of find that charming). I knew she was onto something because I'd been feeling a bit low & tired, & if this cleanse was going to help correct any of this, I was more than willing.

Willing, but nervous. The last time I had to follow strict dietary advise was almost exactly a year ago. It was handed down to me from my acupuncturist, & for a month I was supposed to eat from a very narrow list of foods that excluded dairy, sugar, anything fermented (read: BOOZE) & some other strange items I forget. The information & list were poorly translated from Japanese, & suggested I do eat frog legs, ume & carp amongst other things. (I did wind up getting a hold of some ume.) I lasted two weeks of the month I was supposed to adhere to the diet before completely losing my shit. Barley congee for breakfast, followed by a handful of radishes? I could barley handle it. (Sorry.)

Here's the gist of the current diet: No dairy unless it's cultured cottage cheese or plain yogurt, nothing fermented, no sugar, no fruit except Granny Smith apples (which aren't in season here, so forget that too unless you enjoy mealy fruit that's been shipped from Chile), berries are OK after the first week, no starch, not even whole wheat or spelt, no mushrooms, no processed anything. At first, it just sounds kind of daunting, but when you realize how many things are fermented- vinegar & soy, for example- & how many things contain vinegar & soy or how palatable those two items make vegetables, it almost makes you think your best bet is to skip the store & just start foraging at the park for your meals. I'm sure grubs & crab grass are alright!

Thankfully, my vegetable & whole grain cooking game is solid. I don't see how anyone who doesn't like to cook or lacks a general grasp of recipes could stick to this. You have to prepare everything yourself usually, & if you're staring at a salad of under-seasoned/spiced, over-cooked quinoa & mushy broccoli, you're bound to get depressed & chuck the whole program with your sad failure of a dinner. Variety is key, but if you can't see the possibilities residing in your greatly-reduced list of comestibles, you're shit out of luck.

I went straight into it on the morning of Monday the 19th, & I've been faithful to the regime for the past week & a half (I can start incorporating foods back into my diet on the 5th of August). About three days after I started, I found this herbal kit that was also recommended to go with the cleanse. I've taken Chinese herbs before, which worked well for me at the time, but I was skeptical of this kit at first that I could just buy at a health shop, without a practitioner writing a prescription of a blend of things best suited for me. I did decide to give it a go after I noticed on the site that customer reviews aren't screened, & they were mostly really positive with a few bummer ones. That kind of transparency usually puts me at ease.

Paul & I have the kidlet for a weeks of summer from his mom, & I thought that if I'm going to have to go booze-free, the easiest time would be when I'm responsible for the well-being of a child, amirite? Haha, that's a fucking joke, dummy. Wine is one of the best ways to decompress after the demon seed is put to bed. Of course, I did this also realizing that I'd be making my own meals along side theirs, but I've become adept at making what I need in advance so that I'm not cooking anything with divided attention. No one suffers, mostly!

For the first three days, I felt haggard. It's hard to tell if that's because I was with a seven-year-old all day, just the two of us, or withdrawal from sugar & delicious drank. Most likely both. My teetotaler step-mom had told me the worst part of giving up drinking was lying in bed, being kept awake by the myriad of thoughts she used to be able to ignore with self-indulgence. Yes, exactly this. It's hard to explain exactly- I'm not an alcoholic, & I don't drink every night- but it seems like booze & certain foods that are starchy/sugar, "comfort foods" really are precisely that. This fog of false comfort makes everything seem so much easier going, until you realize you're vaguely sick all of time. I hadn't realize how many bad habits I had accumulated.

It's not as though I had been routinely devouring crap; it's more like a lot of little things that built up. I've been totally aware of this for a while. The thought to do something similar had crossed my mind many times since my past failure at balancing my overly-wet qi. It seems every time I've attempted to plan to do this (yeah, not exactly throwing myself into it), there were upcoming lunches/dinners, someone's birthday, a show, SOMETHING that made me decide it wasn't a good time. Also, we all have had some friend or acquaintance who undertakes such a thing & cannot shut their fucking faces up about it long enough for you to change the subject. That's the last person I want to be. I know this girl who was hanging out with our mutual friends & me one night who wouldn't stop prattling on about her macrobiotic diet (what is that, anyway?) that we essentially dropped her off on the street corner & headed for a bar. OK, there was a lot more to it than that, but self-obsession was the source of it. So I made a rule for myself not to discuss it if someone asks me why I'm not eating a hot dog or drinking at the show.

In case you still think I'm a lunatic, or that my Naboo facilitated some kind of soul-switching between me & Susan Powter for the sake of my physical health, let me list for the benefits of this cleanse so far.

1. The mental health bit

So part of my problem was mostly emanating from my impetuousness. As in, if I want a little something, I'll have a little something, even if it's a poor, thoughtless choice. This never just applies to food or booze. Being more mindful of my choices & their consequences reminds me just how much control I can have if I care to wield it. I know that sounds incredibly cheesy, but it does because it's so very true. If you're living in a fog, you can't see clearly. TRUTH.

2. Self-awareness & acknowledgment of what I had been doing to myself all this time

Also, you start to re-prioritize a lot of things. I thought I was going to starve, initially, even though I'm getting everything I need from my food without everything I don't. I've remembered why a treat is called a 'treat'- because it's supposed to be something you don't usually enjoy, not something that comes after every dinner, or just because you feel like it. Though a treat isn't just something sweet, a treat can be as simple as a nectarine or a hunk of crusty baguette with a smear of demi-sel beurre. Those two things aren't horrible taken on their own, but when you realize much of what you eat consists of such simple pleasures, you realize you haven't done much to substantiate having them. You get free bread at the restaurant, so you eat it. You have to order a side of veg extra, so you don't. I order a glass of champie because lunch with so-&-so can be slightly unbearable otherwise, which is why I excused having three. Every little concession you make is usually representative of five others!

If you've ever made a lot of meals at home, you're usually more conscious of how much say, cream you're adding to your sauce. (In a restaurant, they add as much salt/cream/butter as it takes to make you feel delighted at full at first bite, but compel you to eat moremoremore.) This cleanse takes cooking a step further from being judicious about 'naughty' ingredients. You have to get creative to make things delicious. I like this. Also, all of that vegetable chopping puts you in a meditative state. See, it's all good for you!

3. You knew I was going to go there...regularity

I think this speaks for itself. Women, you know you're more sensitive to your diet than men. I'm sorry to point this out to you, but you know it's true. No, I'm not discussing weight- in fact, I'm not discussing that at all in this post.

4. Enjoying myself in a genuine way

Like I mentioned in 2., drinking can get away from you. DUH. I met up with an old, dear friend I hadn't seen for months the other night, as it was her birthday & she's leaving the country soon. I was going by myself (as I get older, it's harder to convince friends to come out on a Monday night), & I do suffer from social anxiety a lot. If I'm not drinking. & I hadn't seen her for a while, so was sort of worried that I might run out of things to say. I was also concerned that I wouldn't be able to relax & be myself without a nip of nectar if I had to talk to people I don't know well or never met before. Yeah, I was just fine. OK, so I did wait for her & her boyf to arrive outside the club because a room full of strangers sends me into a flop-sweat, & I did leave at 12.30a because I was began to feel claustrophobic. I still had fun despite my hang-ups, so there you go. I'm sure it takes some practice getting use to anyhow.

5. More energy

Tons more, & I feel less frazzled. I can focus a lot better too. Hell, I've written this straight through, pausing only to feel out the next part & re-read/edit.

6. Skin

My face is- BONG- clear as a bell. Also, believe it or not, my cellulite as improved after just ten days.

I won't lie to you though. It's been a challenge, even though it's gotten easier. I had to make a dessert for a lunch at my parents' house, not to mention, bring my own lunch. I've had to watch my loved ones eat luscious-looking food. I can't stop thinking of the variety of sheep's milk cheese we had at the local Basque joint a few weeks ago. The worst has actually been not be able to taste my cooking if it's not intended for me. I had to ask Paul if the Bolognese I made for him & Nick had enough salt. I'm thinking that maybe though, instead of just hitting the re-set button on my body that I'm also doing that to my palate, my approach to food indefinitely.


*In case you didn't know, 'cleansiness' was an eggcorn somewhat famously spoken by this horrible person on the show, The Real Housewives of New Jersey, in lieu of 'cleanliness'. If you already knew that, I love you that much more.