The oher shoe did drop.

After 28 years of being a full-fledged neurotic, I suffered from an anxiety attack for the first time ever on Tuesday night. Apparently, the stress of this British Literature class is getting to me. I felt a bit more validated when my extremely intelligent, bachelor degree-holding friend assured me that this professor was more demanding than most she had ever had encountered. So apparently, my fears of not doing well are not entirely unfounded.

At the end of my first quarter of culinary school, I remember having this downward spiral freak out. I was at my mom's apartment, & she aptly pointed out to me, "If you aren't perfect, or the best, you feel threatened."

Gasp! My own mother calling me out. The horror INDEED.

I think my will for getting shit done diminishes when I feel like I can't do the best job possible, even if it's just caused by a temporary mental block. I just shut down & disengage completely when it is most critical for me to stick to it. That's why I'm trying so hard to accept my 80% average in this class & try so hard to get through the toughest part of it. The worst part is, I'm a huge procrastinator, & I never seem to suffer too badly grade-wise for it. I wish I did, so that I'd knock it the fuck off already. Who wants to do well as a result of being dysfunctional?

So this all night panic attack. I think I tried too hard to swing in the other direction to counter-act my usual, 'I'll do it later' attitude, into 'Finish it now, asswipe!' I just need to learn to strike a balance without losing my marbles. Lord knows I don't want to take pills to be just normal functioning & not funtimes.

Amusing Freudian slip for you.

While typing up my paper on the history of women in professional kitchens, I meant to type, "...and studied privately with well-regarded chefs," but actually wrote "well-raged chefs". Total accident.

Helter Swelter.

Dang, guys. It's hawt in Seattle right now. On April 29th, I tweeted that as a true Pacific Northwesterner, I pit-out on a 55°F day. Just imagine the state I'm in now! Or don't if it's too much for you.

Being that the weather here in the NW corner is becoming more agreeable to tourists, certain locales are just not as fun. The main one being Pike Place Market. I was there last weekend with my friend, & there were just too many people. Granted, there was some kind of street festival going on. (This just meant more booths with Space Needle watercolors & hammered-copper fish to mount on one's wall.) It was difficult to navigate & keep with each other, so instead of perusing, we settled on a patio with summery drinks. It did remind me of an idea I have that I think is really good.

Once a month, have the Market just be open to those of use from here. I know, that's pretty severe. Hear me out though: it's really frustrating to shop there when it is absolutely mobbed with tourists gawping at those fish-tossers, creating a human snarl at Piroshky, Piroshky (thanks, Anthony Bourdain!) & encouraging bad street musicians. How many of us would be more inclined to get groceries there if it wasn't such a frustration? I'm not saying people from here are exempt from being annoying, I just want less people there from time-to-time. I love it so much, I suppose I'm just being selfish. I don't mind tourists, especially as I am one myself when I'm lucky. I even gave directions to one today- thanks for coming & spending your do-re-mi here! Is it greedy to want an incentive for being a resident? Just as a 'thank you' for voting 'yes' on those pricey improvements?

An aside about those fish-tossers: they did one of those videos about on-the-job team work, which I've seen about two or three times during new employee orientations. They tried to make it- pardon me for using the following term- zany by cursing & acting super hard-boiled, but also repeating endlessly how important it is to work hard & be curteous. (Has anyone ever felt anything but insulted & condescended to when forced to watch those things? Make me watch that crapola if I act badly!) I couldn't find any of it on youtube, but there's apparently a book that must be an invaluable resource to HR peeps. A lot of people who buy this also purchased "Who Moved My Cheese?"

Who moved my cheese indeed!

Speaking of cheese & the Market, I didn't spend more than a moment at the Cheese Festival. The line was so long. I'm also not sure eating cheese in warm weather is really that enticing. & the important question is how long does a person spend in that line, about 200 vendors long, before our more lactose-intolerant friends begin to fart it up?

Let's all be greatful that the availablity of cheese is pretty constant.