The oher shoe did drop.

After 28 years of being a full-fledged neurotic, I suffered from an anxiety attack for the first time ever on Tuesday night. Apparently, the stress of this British Literature class is getting to me. I felt a bit more validated when my extremely intelligent, bachelor degree-holding friend assured me that this professor was more demanding than most she had ever had encountered. So apparently, my fears of not doing well are not entirely unfounded.

At the end of my first quarter of culinary school, I remember having this downward spiral freak out. I was at my mom's apartment, & she aptly pointed out to me, "If you aren't perfect, or the best, you feel threatened."

Gasp! My own mother calling me out. The horror INDEED.

I think my will for getting shit done diminishes when I feel like I can't do the best job possible, even if it's just caused by a temporary mental block. I just shut down & disengage completely when it is most critical for me to stick to it. That's why I'm trying so hard to accept my 80% average in this class & try so hard to get through the toughest part of it. The worst part is, I'm a huge procrastinator, & I never seem to suffer too badly grade-wise for it. I wish I did, so that I'd knock it the fuck off already. Who wants to do well as a result of being dysfunctional?

So this all night panic attack. I think I tried too hard to swing in the other direction to counter-act my usual, 'I'll do it later' attitude, into 'Finish it now, asswipe!' I just need to learn to strike a balance without losing my marbles. Lord knows I don't want to take pills to be just normal functioning & not funtimes.